To Syrina With Love

Syrina is 12 years old (born January 18, 1995). When she was 18 months old, she was diagnosed with autism and epilepsy. Even now, she can't speak, can't go to the toilet (she wears specially made diapers), and can't do such rudimentary things as feeding herself using a fork and/or spoon. This blog is comprised of all the things I would love to say to her, but which I don't know that she'll ever understand. I, of course, am her mother.

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Location: Sunderland, Tyne & Wear, United Kingdom

I'm an American "ex-pat," having moved to my husband's hometown in 2003. I'm now enjoying life as a "domestic goddess" ... or as close to one as I can GET! *lol* I've been married to the love of my life since 1999, and I have 4 gorgeous girls, of whom I'm very proud. I can be a little neurotic and krazy at times... and very opinionated. However, as opinionated as I am, I'm also very open-minded and have a "live and let live" attitude. I'm a walking, breathing contradiction... and that's why people love me. :)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Mommy, I'm HOOOOME!!!

You spent another 3 days at Seaview Road this week. Unfortunately I wasn't able to give you a "proper" goodbye, as I was in the bathroom when your Taxi came and got you on Monday morning. But I sure got a "hello" when you came home today!

You'd gotten home while I was out picking your sisters up from school. Daddy took your coat off, and you were bouncing around the living room when we walked in the door. I happened to be the first one in the door, so I was the first person you saw. You giggled, jumped up and down, and ran right to me. When I bent down, I got a big kiss and hug from you.

You have no idea what that did for me. I was tired, stressed out, feeling like I wanted to run away from home, and just the look on your face when I walked through the door was enough to keep me going for the rest of the night. I remember a time when it seemed like you didn't know NOR CARE about who or what I was, unless you were hungry or thirsty. But lately, you've been showing a very real, very CLEAR understanding of who and what I am. When you had your appointment with Dr. Whiting a few months ago, you did pretty much the same thing. I got to the school, walked into your classroom, and you literally jumped OFF of the couch you were sitting on and ran to me, with a HUGE smile on your face. And I'd only seen you less than 2 hours before when I put you in your taxi!

It's things like this that seriously make me wonder if you really DO know what you're saying when you say "Mom." I've always wondered. You've been saying it for years, but I've never been sure if YOU knew what you were saying. The last time I remember you saying it, though, I was looking at you, dead in the face, and you know what? You weren't making ANY other noises at the time. Sometimes it seems as if the "Mom" comes in the middle of a hum, but that last time, you weren't making any noises at all. But even if I hadn't seen that, I'd still be this convinced that you know what you're saying. How could you not? Especially with the awareness you showed when I walked into the living room.

That wasn't the only shit-eating-grin-with-tears-in-my-eyes moment today, though. I was standing in my bedroom door, talking to your Daddy, when you came up behind me. I asked you if you wanted to see Daddy too, and you smiled at me. So I told him. A second later, you had taken a step back, and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the doorway. When I turned around to look at you and asked you what you wanted, you stood on your TIPPY-TOES to give me a KISS!!! I honestly don't think I remember another time when you were so insistent on giving me a kiss since... well... since you were hospitalized for your seizures the first time! That was 9 years ago... 9 years ago this MONTH, as a matter of fact.

After my kiss, you pulled me into the living room and to the gate that goes to the kitchen. I was talking to your Aunt Vicci, so I made you wait a minute, and then it dawned on me... you'd already finished eating, and had thrown your plate on the floor, so you OBVIOUSLY weren't hungry. SO.... you were probably thirsty! I remembered seeing your cup on the floor when I'd first gone to talk to your Daddy, so I started looking around for it. Sho' 'nuff, that's exactly what you wanted.

It sounds so silly, but all these moments when I know what you want the first time you try to ask are really getting me excited! *lol*